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Arriving house to a heatwave, I open the entrance door to see the home has swollen within the warmth. It’s an outdated miner’s cottage constructed on grime, no correct foundations. It appears to breathe and alter type relying on the climate. Do not forget that scene in Willy Wonka the place Violet Beauregarde eats the forbidden gum and turns purple then expands like a blueberry? My home is Violet Beauregarde.

The skirting boards have popped off and indifferent from the wall, a deep crack has appeared within the ceiling, and the ceiling and the wall seems to have separated. Will the home cleave in two if the heatwave continues? And if that’s the case, what does that imply? What ought to I do?

There’s been a run of 37C days. I take chilly showers at evening and sleep with a moist material on my head. The air has weight and thickness. Respiratory looks like taking one thing in that’s heavier than air. I purchase some followers and am dismayed to be taught upon opening the field that I’ve to assemble them myself. Making a fan appears a process too complicated and necessary for a layperson. I fear that my buddies within the spare room shall be killed within the evening, decapitated by a fan blade flying by means of the air because it turns into indifferent and airborne.


We are in a liminal zone – the times between Christmas and New 12 months’s. Who even is aware of what day it’s? Time appears to stretch, per week crawls and purposelessness pervades. It has all the time been like this – however Omicron offers this saggy week a sinister edge.

The detritus on the kitchen desk displays this new place the place we’ve discovered ourselves: the plastic swabs and small bottles of resolution, outcomes home windows and concertina directions of the fast antigen checks. I take Rats, my buddies take Rats, we ship one another pictures or screenshots of our unfavourable Rats or inform one another over group Whatsapp of a optimistic Rat – till some extent, simply after New 12 months’s, the place there are not any Rats, however everybody appears to know somebody who’s sick, or are sick themselves (the scratchy throat, the dry cough … ) or are isolating or ready in some queue, someplace, for a PCR, till after hours and hours of not transferring or the centre closes, they go away.

However on New 12 months’s Eve we’re all unfavourable – and there are some grounds for hope. 2022 shall be higher. This yr is sort of over. We don’t have it. We aren’t in lockdown. We are able to exit.


On the final day of the yr we stroll alongside a ridge, over the tufts of dry grass the place final yr I noticed a brown snake cross our path – and we cool off by leaping in an outdated quarry transformed right into a reservoir. It’s like a Frederick McCubbin portray. The final hours of the yr we sit underneath a tree, share a bottle of wine and say what we wish from the brand new yr. The desires are modest. That is 12 months 3, in any case, and nobody is dreaming massive.

Two days later, a cabbie involves take me to the practice station. The home remains to be swelling. Perhaps after I return I’ll have two homes.

Because the cab pulls up, I’m exterior with a glass of water, and as an alternative of throwing the water out – which I intend to do – the glass slips from my hand and smashes dramatically on the porch. It seems just like the operatic gesture of a mad particular person, like I’ve simply gone exterior and wantonly hurled a glass. It’s a type of heavy crystal tumblers; the shards shall be stepped on for years.

The cabbie helps me clear it up and tells me that homes like mine are diabolical: “Solely good for holding the animals out.” Every year metropolis individuals fall in love with them “as a result of they’re cute”. They do a summer time there and realise “it’s like sleeping in a sizzling tent”, he says. “They flip them fairly fast after that.”

Not me. I really like my sweat lodge.

“The home is swelling up,” I inform him. “It’s coming aside on the seams. The opposite day the ceiling break up from the partitions.”

On the way in which to the station he tells me about his home, which has double glazing and a split-system cooling. We are saying goodbye then he returns to the station as a result of, inexplicably, he finds my bank card on the highway. He comes again a 3rd time – simply earlier than I get on the practice – as a result of I’ve left my telephone within the backseat.

“The warmth makes me loopy and forgetful,” I say.


Down on the seaside I reunite with buddies who’ve been away from Australia for greater than two years and needed to delay coming again as a result of they bought Covid.

They’ve been dwelling within the UK and are pasty and jet lagged. The wind is nasty and sizzling, a southerly that’s dragging the seaweed up from the shore and dumping it in big piles on the sand.

After we get to the seaside, one in every of my buddies drops to his knees within the sand and says: “The seaside, the seaside.” I’m not certain if he’s being ironic or actual, however I depart him to it. Although the circumstances are unhealthy (sand whipping round in circles, jellyfish particles washed up on the sand, a latest bull shark sighting), he runs into the ocean and comes again grinning with pleasure.


I take a three-and-a-half-hour practice journey down the west coast. The coast is chilly and windy and the warmth and my swollen home appear to be one other nation. I go to buddies in isolation and convey them morning coffees. Different buddies go to me and ship me screenshots of unfavourable Rat checks. Different buddies cancel visits due to optimistic Rat checks.

However the wheels are falling off sooner in 2022 – which is itself an extension of the Christmas/New 12 months’s liminal zone. On this common vacationer city, eating places and cafes are shut, unable to get workers or as a result of employees are isolating. Nobody should purchase checks anymore. So many individuals are sick now. Even final week’s modest resolutions and hopes for the brand new yr appeared outlandishly formidable and out of attain. We’re solely 4 days in … however nonetheless.

Down the coast I’m taking care of a canine that eats plastic ornaments off the Christmas tree. He simply jumps up and gobbles them complete.

It’s the least unusual factor about this summer time.

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